Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch