Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

we’re dead?

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12