Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
You Might Also Like
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
all bases covered
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.