girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
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You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.