girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Meme Monday.
