Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.