Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”