Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
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scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]