Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
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You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
My dad teaching me to drive
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings