Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)