girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
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[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.