Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

But wait…

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency