Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.