Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today