Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
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A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!