Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
another case of gang violins
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal