girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
when dads have a rap battle
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.