girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
me when i smell free food in the break room
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.