girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
twitter is a journey
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
🍂🕷️🍂
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead