Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
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There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.