Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
umm…
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?