Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle

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Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.


I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.


Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said


“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate


Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.


Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.


Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that


[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Me: Outside?
Me: Go outside?
Me: Let’s go outside!
Me: Fine.
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.


Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.


Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.