@edana_irish

Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle

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@Zambah_

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

@fading_roses19

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

@thedad

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

@QwertyJones3

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

@agnessaintcalf

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

@david8hughes

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

@sploosk

Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

@RodLacroix

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

@buhsbaby_baby

Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.