You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
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It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Feels like the fourth month in January
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.