Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life