Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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