Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
learning about math 🧐 📝
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
plant them where lol
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?