Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
This is so me 😂😂
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me when my alarm goes off
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
