Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear