Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Stop making fast and furious movies.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.