Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
You Might Also Like
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
#dalle2
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>