girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
your honor my client chooses dare
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button