girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
You Might Also Like
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Cat.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
how was your vacation
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right