girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them