Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
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Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.