GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
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I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.