Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me and the Superbowl rn

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

Somedays I just love AI so much

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

A woman drives into a bar.

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.