Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me