“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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Pretty much! 😂👀
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
RT if you could go either way.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.