“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
You don’t even know
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
584.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.