Girls Just Want To Have Naan
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I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
