Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual