Girls Just Want To Have Naan
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So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*