Girls Just Want To Have Naan
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My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.