Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

Printer ink is expensive

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.