Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

United Steaks of America

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names