Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
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ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Flowers bee like
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.