Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be