Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.