Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans: