girls literally only want one thing..
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WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤