girls literally only want one thing..
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I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.