girls literally only want one thing..
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall