Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
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“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’