Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

🙄😏😂🤣

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

oh good, now I can stop drinking

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much