Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
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Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.