Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

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I’m not drinking by myself.

I’m self-employed and this is my corporate Christmas party.


ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.


Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?


My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.


If you don’t like where you are in your life

~ Then move you are not a tree


My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd…..it’s now Friday June 27th….





coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]


when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.


*guy collapses*
ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR
DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*