Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
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Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Holy shit he’s back