girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
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My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?