girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I can’t be the only one 😂
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????