Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

one of

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

what?

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.