Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

Today’s Times

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread