Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.