Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

Always the vampires

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

In Russia, the cold complains about you.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

From my Mom

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

I enjoy a good short stor

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”