Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

Dietest Coke

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

Meat Cute

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

cause of death:
autopsy.

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”