Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

i smell a pulitzer

Finally! 😈

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.