Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast