girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
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Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.