Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.