girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area