girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
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My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
the zen of frog
The 6 types of sex
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok