girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.