girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
A male goth is called a broth.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.