Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?