@DannyEarl

Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming

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@SteveKoehler22

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

@VisionBored1

Dear toy companies stop telling me your product will provide hours of family fun it will provide two minutes of interest followed by ten tantrums and exclamations of THIS IS BORING

@upsidedowntrash

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: donโ€™t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

@trevso_electric

I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle ๐Ÿ™

@missmayn

Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?

@shutupmikeginn

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

@OctopusCaveman

Me: So I hear youโ€™re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasnโ€™t me

Me: Impressive

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@conner_omalley

under my wifeโ€™s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell โ€œhow are you?โ€