The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming
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Dear toy companies stop telling me your product will provide hours of family fun it will provide two minutes of interest followed by ten tantrums and exclamations of THIS IS BORING
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁
Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”