The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.