Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

ㅤ

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that