Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Challenge accepted.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!