Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you